issues

funny story:

i went to get my blood drawn monday. the phlebotomist noticed that i was having my tegretol level checked and was curious what was wrong with me. we had a short conversation about bipolar and how the meds all make you gain weight and it takes forever, and how her son has it too, etc. as she bandaged up my arm she said:
"Well, I hope you feel better soon. You don't seem like someone with issues."

it's killing me

i've come to the conclusion that bipolar is killing me. i am dumber because of it. my brain isn't firing off as many connections and some are permanently lost. thus, every episode i have brings me closer and closer to brain-death. which, pretty much, right now would be okay. i feel that way anyway. i'm just with it enough to realize that i'm getting dumber and dumber. i can physically feel my brain not working the right way. it's like it remembers that it use to be able to do something, but then when it goes to do it again, the ability isn't there. it's being blocked. i say it all the time, and i'll keep saying it..... i hate this disorder and all that it does to you. HATE it. it's freakin killing me. i'm not the same and i wonder if it's even medically possible to be the same person again. personality wise, ability wise.

i still require 12 hours of sleep a night and of the waking hours, i'm only 'with it' for maybe 5. that number seems to be getting better, but still. this is no way to live. the way that meds are done with bipolar and other mood disorders really pisses me off. trial and error...really? all of the medical advances-mapping of the human genome and crap-and it's still trial and error. so, if your doc guesses right the first time, you'll be functioning again in a couple of months. if not, maybe 4 to 6. what other community of patients would put up with this standard of care? surely, it's only the ones whose voice is stifled and unable to voice itself. when 'the voice' is feeling better, it only wants to enjoy it's newfound life and put the past behind it...thus, never being heard.

this is no way to live.

idiot

It's official. I'm an idiot. It's either due to my new "cocktail", bipolar, or a combo of the two. But, today, I sat down to do a very menial task (pay bills for a client) and couldn't concentrate. I ran out of checks. I cried about it. I think that this is what marked today as the day I realized that I have turned into an idiot. I have been doing bookkeeping stuff for at least 20 years. It is NOT a hard task for me. So, not only can I not work, I can't even do the smallest of tasks that I use to in order to help my family. I don't even want to start on the housekeeping. That has been in the crapper for months. Try, try, fail, fail. I am even having trouble typing. I truly feel like I have turned into an idiot, and I don't want to be this stupid person. Not when I know what I use to be able to do. This is like mental hell. I hope it's just side effects that will go away, but my pessimistic mind is telling me that it's only going to get worse. Shoot me now. Please.

crazy

when the doctor asks you.... "how are you feeling"? have you ever wanted to just say flat out... "well, doc. considering that I called you-i think that means i'm feeling pretty shitty." duh! the next time i am describing my "symptoms" and i'm asked "do you have any thoughts of hurting yourself or others"? i just might flip the person off. i mean, seriously! can you phrase it another way... or is it in the textbook at shrink school that you have to word it that way?