funny story:
i went to get my blood drawn monday. the phlebotomist noticed that i was having my tegretol level checked and was curious what was wrong with me. we had a short conversation about bipolar and how the meds all make you gain weight and it takes forever, and how her son has it too, etc. as she bandaged up my arm she said:
"Well, I hope you feel better soon. You don't seem like someone with issues."
Thursday, March 5, 2009
it's killing me
i've come to the conclusion that bipolar is killing me. i am dumber because of it. my brain isn't firing off as many connections and some are permanently lost. thus, every episode i have brings me closer and closer to brain-death. which, pretty much, right now would be okay. i feel that way anyway. i'm just with it enough to realize that i'm getting dumber and dumber. i can physically feel my brain not working the right way. it's like it remembers that it use to be able to do something, but then when it goes to do it again, the ability isn't there. it's being blocked. i say it all the time, and i'll keep saying it..... i hate this disorder and all that it does to you. HATE it. it's freakin killing me. i'm not the same and i wonder if it's even medically possible to be the same person again. personality wise, ability wise.
i still require 12 hours of sleep a night and of the waking hours, i'm only 'with it' for maybe 5. that number seems to be getting better, but still. this is no way to live. the way that meds are done with bipolar and other mood disorders really pisses me off. trial and error...really? all of the medical advances-mapping of the human genome and crap-and it's still trial and error. so, if your doc guesses right the first time, you'll be functioning again in a couple of months. if not, maybe 4 to 6. what other community of patients would put up with this standard of care? surely, it's only the ones whose voice is stifled and unable to voice itself. when 'the voice' is feeling better, it only wants to enjoy it's newfound life and put the past behind it...thus, never being heard.
this is no way to live.
i still require 12 hours of sleep a night and of the waking hours, i'm only 'with it' for maybe 5. that number seems to be getting better, but still. this is no way to live. the way that meds are done with bipolar and other mood disorders really pisses me off. trial and error...really? all of the medical advances-mapping of the human genome and crap-and it's still trial and error. so, if your doc guesses right the first time, you'll be functioning again in a couple of months. if not, maybe 4 to 6. what other community of patients would put up with this standard of care? surely, it's only the ones whose voice is stifled and unable to voice itself. when 'the voice' is feeling better, it only wants to enjoy it's newfound life and put the past behind it...thus, never being heard.
this is no way to live.
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